More often than not, there is a battle going on in my head. I like to call it, “The Battle of the Voices”. These voices appear when I’m faced with a decision to make on the beauty front. These voices appear when I’m sitting at work, trying to mind my own business. Really- these voices appear in the most inconvenient times.
The problem with these voices is, sometimes I don’t know which one is truth.
Yes, I know truth. I know that God has created me with a purpose. I know that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made”. I know that the King is “enthralled by my beauty”. I know that I am a child of God and through Christ’s blood I am victorious over whatever obstacle is thrown my way.
I know all the truth. What I have a problem with is the voice that doesn’t necessarily go against truth.
For instance, “the food front”. Food always seems to be on the front lines for me. It’s the battle that I keep going back to. It’s the battle that fights itself out in my head. It’s the battle I am constantly trying to adhere to the truth. My mind is the place of battle, and there the battle usually stays. I’ve controlled it enough to stay put, but sometimes the solidarity of the forces overwhelms me.
The voices say this: “Eat this.” “Don’t eat that.” “Say away from that…you’re going to gain weight.” “You need more of that, or else you will lose weight.” “This is healthy.” “This is not.” “You’re diet needs to look like her’s.” “You don’t need to eat like her… you’re history is different.” Blah, blah, blah.
Please tell me I’m not the only one that fights this battle.
Looking at the voices, you may think it’s easy to determine truth. “Just eat the healthy,” you may say. Sometimes it’s not that easy. Sometimes I’m not supposed to eat the healthy. A lot of times I’m supposed to take the step and eat the not healthy.
Then again, sometimes I’m supposed to stop eating the unhealthy. Now I know someone can relate to that. The thing is, sometimes it’s easy for me to “eat normal”. Sometimes it’s easy to grab a snack (whatever it may be) and go. Sometimes it’s easy to run to the food I crave instead of choosing the healthy option. Sometimes it’s easier to run to food when life gets too overwhelming instead of running to God.
That’s when I’m supposed to choose the healthy.
Confused yet? Welcome to the life of the former eating disordered. I am not the only one that struggles with this changing truth. I know girls who give into one aspect of truth all the time, and that’s where they fall back. The truth is- truth is not always absolute. At least not on the food front. Sometimes I’m supposed to eat the healthy, and sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I’m supposed to go to the gym for an hour, and sometimes I’m not.
You can’t determine your truth from someone else’s truth because your truth will be different at different times in different circumstances. It’s hard, I know. I look at people, good Christian people, and tell God, “It’s not fair.” It’s not fair that You told them to stick to a healthy plan. It’s not fair that they get to lose weight. It’s not fair that You tell them not to eat sweets, yet tell me to eat them.
It’s really not fair, God.
And do you want to know what He says? “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart (Jeremiah 1:5).” He knows you. You. He knows what your struggles have been. He knows the truth you need to cling to at every point in your life, no matter what. He knows everybody else’s truth, yet He’s telling you something different.
Because He cares for you. He Psalm 139’s you. He knows you, every part of you. He knows that you are not her and at this instant, you don’t need to live like her. You need to live like you, eating the unhealthy or sticking to the diet plan.
He knows your truth.
He’s challenging you to listen for your truth today. Today because it may be different tomorrow. Then the next day, and the next. He’s leading you to Himself, and in order to do that- your focus has to be on Him. Only Him.
When does my truth change? The moment I start focusing more on the food or image instead of God. If I run to food for comfort, it’s time to choose the healthy and run to Him. If I eat the healthy yet obsess on my appearance, it’s time to listen to His voice telling me to choose the not-so-healthy.
It’s all about listening. Listen for your truth today. Focus on Him.
You can’t base your truth on somebody else’s truth because they are not you. Today. In this situation.
Verse: “Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me.” (Psalm 119:133)