It’s been awhile, a long while, since I’ve written. I wish I could say that it was because my life got busy (which it did) or that my brain couldn’t process enough to even write a blog post (which, on most days, it couldn’t). The truth is: I purposely held back. You see, writing to me is an honest thing. I can’t sit here and write a generic post; it’s just not who I am. When I write, I express every thought and emotion and let the reader completely see me for who I am.
That’s been the problem. I haven’t wanted anyone to see who I am.
Because I haven’t liked who I am in the first place.
Insecurity is a funny thing. It starts out as a little bugger that solely affects you, and then it turns into this life-consuming monster that leaves it’s dusty fingerprints on everything and everyone in your life.
I’ve been so insecure lately.
Insecure about my job. Insecure about my role in life (whatever that happens to be in the moment). Insecure about my future. Insecure about my past (and people finding out about my past). Insecure about the way I look. Insecure about the way I act. Insecure to the very last bone in my body.
I haven’t been that insecure in a very long time. And it’s taken its toll.
I’ve avoided people and places that could very well be beneficial in my life. I’ve responded in ineffective ways to many, many things in my life only because I didn’t have the confidence to take on what I should. I’ve tried to attain perfection to ease all of the insecurity in my mind, but perfection-after all-is not perfecting. It’s more of a coverup to let the insecurity steep.
What, then, replaces all the insecurity in the world? (This one is a DUH.)
Security is the only thing that can override insecurity in any way. All the other attempts I’ve made (and believe me, I’ve made many) have only been false hopes. I have to find security in my life before I even start working on my insecurities.
And that security can only be found in one thing: Christ.
I’ve tried to avoid the whole “find your security in God” thing because, well, I guess I’m a rebel like that. I don’t like people telling me what to do, and if it has anything to do with God, I generally take a lot longer to grasp it than most.
I still have so many issues there too. Believe me, I do not have it all figured out.
I do know this, though: Since I’ve put the slightest bit of faith in God, my insecurities have lessened. Yes, it may be by a tenth of a tenth, but it’s still less.
And I’m willing to take that small decrease.
It’s not easy to trust God, especially with all the “facts” in your head about yourself and your life. But turning over even one thing could make a significant difference.
It could be deciding not to conjure up the worst-case scenario about your job. Or it could be choosing not to take the opportunity to put yourself down when you make a mistake today. Whatever it is, however big or small in your eyes, it could make all the difference today.